Love & Respect

Two week-ends ago, Missoula hosted a "Love & Respect" Conference for couples. Emerson Eggerich's organization was not sure if it could break even in Montana. Although there were 1600 seats available, they expected no more than 600-800 to be filled. Surprise! Not only did the conference sell-out, more & more couples (especially from Canada) were still calling trying to get into the conference after it was sold-out. Several near-by states were well-represented, in addition to numerous Canadians. Louis & I knew we couldn't attend since much of the conference was on Shabbat, when we lead Beth Tephila. So, Louis went on-line & purchased the set of 4 cassette tapes. Emerson reads his book to you on these cassettes..."Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, the Respect He Desperately Needs."

The second & third trips I drove to Spokane recently, zipped by while I listened to these tapes. Louis had already listened to them while driving to & from work. They are now on loan to my sister, who heard two of the tapes while on the second trip with me.

The content is organized into three cycles:
1. The Crazy Cycle - with which nearly all married couples are all too familiar. She doesn't feel loved, so she doesn't react with respect. He doesn't feel respected, so he doesn't react with love. They each step on the airhose needed for the mate to be able to breathe properly. She needs love to breathe & he needs respect to breathe. It goes round & round in most homes, even though both spouses are well-intentioned, at least at the beginning of the interaction. They do not understand each others comments, because the same words do not mean the same thing to each of them. ie. She says, "I don't have anything to wear." (Meaning, I don't have anything new to wear.) He says, " I don't have anything to wear." (Meaning, I don't have anything clean to wear.)

2. The Energizing Cycle - with which a spouse can stop the crazy cycle & energize her/his mate. Emerson gives 2 six-letter acronyms to help a spouse remember what energizes the mate. Men are to remember the acronym "COUPLE" & women are to remember "CHAIRS". I focused on the CHAIRS: C - Men are made for conquest... so support your man in his work &/or other challenges in life.
H - stands for hierarchy. The man is held most responsible for the marriage by God, so he should hold the final authority on making decisions... after getting input from her, of course. They are equal before Him, just with differing roles.
A - represents the appreciation, which he also feels as "respect", that he craves as much as the air he breathes.
I - is for the insight men have so that they are not as easily deceived as women - even with all our intuition. She should be willling to listen to & even ask for that insight from him.
R - represents the relationship that he wants. It is usually summed up in his mind as "shared experiences".
S - sex is the last but not least item of male energizers. God made men with a need for sexual release. If she withholds sex from her spouse, she sets him up for huge temptations. Men also spell "intimacy" as sex. Women spell it as "heart to heart talking".

3. The Rewarded Cycle - is the best part of Emerson's book/tape. Each spouse is expected by God to give unconditional love to her or unconditional respect to him. Why? Because our responses to each other are not really about the mate at all. They are all about our relationship to Jesus. No matter what our spouse does or does not do, we can still react appropriately with the help of the Holy Spirit. It's a matter of spiritual maturity. How we respond to any irritant only reveals who we are inside. If your mate never reacts correctly back, that does not take you off the hook. If you are not rewarded for your correct responses on this earth, you will definitely receive His rewards in heaven, for such unconditional love or respect is what pleases Him!!

All the above points were "fleshed-in" with numerous examples & Scriptural passages. I recommend the book, tapes or conference to anyone who wants to strengthen their marriage.